Skywalker, You Will Die
Pope Sidious strikes a menacing pose, feigning a threat of that nifty finger lightning to a nearby cameraman
Germany's own Joseph Ratzinger was elected pope this week after only four or five votes... which apparently means he was chosen quickly. I somehow don't buy that considering a conclave of dying white men locking themselves in a room in the back of the Sistine Chapel probably don't have it in them to campaign too much... my bet's that they knew who they wanted well before they walked in to vote. So this guy comes out the pope, Benedict the sixteenth... and, given my vocabulary, "wow" is about the best I could do for my initial reaction. "Just look at him" I thought... he looks like a Ratzinger... he looks like a rat! His teeth have rotted, the look in his eyes seems almost sinister... he looks almost evil!
Seemingly, I wasn't the only one to have such thoughts. The Hitler youth Anti-Aircraft gunner (never technically convicted of war crimes, but still a Nazi) turned... WHAT???? TURNED MOTHERFUCKIN' POPE! And it hit me who this guy really reminds me of... he's the Emperor from Star Wars. So, it seems, we have a nickname for this man already:
Pope Sidious
If we follow the timeline of the movies, the pope will most likely play all nice and well intending... hmm... almost as if he were a turn-the-other-cheek holy man of some sort... and under that facade he will orchestrate global war to such a scale that entire populations (like, say, Earth) will fall under the rule of his iron-fisted evil empire. While onlookers slap their foreheads shouting "LOOK HOW EVIL HE IS, JUST LOOK AT HIM!", almost a billion others will herald him as a truly great man (after all, he got elected to a position by a group of his peers... how great! And, neatly fitting the script, we've got just enough Catholics around to fill this role).
So, what to look forward to? Gut wrenchingly hideous photos of this guy's mug for the rest of his life (but don't worry, the evil has clearly eaten away at him already, and he's already nearing 80 anyhow), subjugation, war, poverty, and misery on a global scale in the name of holiness (I doubt it will be all that bad if you can just remember the primer Bush has been running through with you all for the past half decade), and really cool lightning arcs that he makes from his fingertips. Habemus Papum.
