The State of the Union Address: A Preview:
Photo Courtesy of CNN: President George W. Bush makes his famous and strangely well received "monkey face" which is intended to set the tone for the next four years in America.

So, the State of the Union Address is tonight... and it isn't being given by John Kerry, or John Edwards, or Jesus, not even Kucinich is giving it... nope... it's Jr. In the event that the course of these speeches manages to elude viewers (a common event in politics), I've decided to pull some strings and get a summation of the speech tonight so you have more time to chew when/if you see it.

Part A) LIBERTY! <note, emphatic tone will be so monotone that awkward silent pauses for indefinite periods of time will be needed to induce applause>

Part B) FREEDOM! <note, comments about freedom will be nearly identical to aforementioned comments about liberty; however, comments about freedom may involve strange hand gestures such as an open fist pseudo-slapping of the podium. The White House assures us these gestures are entirely normal and do not actually express pseudo-enthusiasm. The monotone recital is to remain taken on face value>

Part C) THE BIBLE!!!!! <note, even bible belt extremists will miss nearly all 'allusions' made to the bible in that they will actually be passages lifted directly as if a sermon was being given>

Part D) KILL TERRORISTS! <note, the entirety of this section will be a logical progression from the immediately recent bible quotations; thus, any human being who did not vote for the president that watches the speech will be reassured that the American military is on a religious crusade to conquer the world in the name of their allegedly peaceful god. The irony is scheduled to be completely lost on the president, and he has rehearsed quite well. Expect no surprises>

Part E) MORE FREEDOM AND LIBERTY! <note, as we understand the intended speech, this section will simply consist of the president repeating the words 'freedom' and 'liberty' over and over again until a roaring applause convinces him the audience is finally feeling good about the state of the union>

Part F) SOME IRRELEVANT LINE FROM THE BIBLE! <note, think 'day of fire'. Rather than addressing what the president may have been thinking when he began the speech, we are told that he will opt instead for a tangential quote from his favorite book>

Part G) SOCIAL SECURITY! <note, at this point, the president will make his only address to the union that actually deals with the state of the union. Though the program is fully paid for the next 40 or so years, what has been hinted at as more bible quotes will be used in order to scare the living crap out of the 51 million results of 'no child left behind' in to believing the sky is falling... and... the stock market economy will save us.... because that's not falling anymore... somehow>

Part H) SOMETHING ABOUT RESOLVE, AND A PRAYER! <note, nobody has any idea whatsoever as to what the president will say here. He seems to believe that his blind faith in himself is enough to justify his actions; thus, he feels the entirety of the world should have equally blind faith in this man of blind faith. Quips of the blind leading the blind are scheduled to be missed entirely by the president. The segment will end the speech by the president giving his traditional prayer that his god protects the America he was elected to protect instead. Irony, again, has been scheduled to be missed entirely by the president>

Hope this has helped.